I just finished reading the book, The Next Civil War, by Stephen Marche (2022), in which the author describes several hypothetical events that could push the USA into the dis-United States of America. It was generally depressing, but the author’s hopeful conclusion is that one of the things that makes America great is our ability to talk in terms of disagreement without censorship, with frankness, and with an open spirit (for a moment I’d ask you to disregard the censorship by Twitter and Facebook, but I do agree it's worth talking about later…if they’ll let us).
Right now, there is tremendous opportunity for disagreement, and in any organization or group that is truly alive, it is bound to happen between its members. Historically, our Constitution was created by understanding regional disagreements and finding a way to make compromises for the good of all; the development of the Constitution was called the “Miracle at Philadelphia” for a reason. Our founding fathers understood that healthy disagreement, supported by collective decision-making and consensus building, can lead to a better overall output as more options and outcomes are placed on the table.
To be productive, though, “Rules for Fighting Fair” need to be in place, and all parties need to agree to and respect those rules. Admitting my own weaknesses and in full transparency, I sometimes fail to follow them, especially when alcohol is involved. None the less, I try to maintain these “Rules” when I can:
· Decide how you feel. Emotional? Logical? Do you need time to cool off?
· Decide what you are bothered about. Be specific and stick to that issue.
· Decide if the issue is important enough to confront or fight about.
· Decide on your goal…your objective. What is your sticking point?
· Confront as soon as you can do it calmly, although controlled displays of emotion can have a strong effect.
· Stick to one thing at a time. Don’t build up a bunch of issues to throw up all over the one opposite you, unless the conflict is based in a pattern of issues, but say that right up front.
· Don’t get personal. Focus on the individual behavior leading to this disagreement and not the “and when you do this, and…ands….” (Easier said than done…As John Wayne says in one scene in "Big Jake" when a bad guy has a shotgun in Jake’s chest: “It’s just business, it’s not personal.” Wayne’s response: “The hell it aint.”)
· Don’t make assumptions about the other person’s objectives. Ask; get them on the table.
· Remain open to the other person’s point of view.
· Try to reach a solution you both can live with, which may simply be you agree to disagree.
Best regards to all, and let’s be safe out there.
